Shame Associated With of Heart Disease: The Scars

One thing I have noticed in my experience with heart disease is that people treat me differently if I show my cardiac scars. Unfortunately, my short left arm makes me stand out regardless, but if I wear a turtleneck and meet strangers, I generally notice a difference in people's reactions towards me. They tend to be more open, and I can almost blend in more easily due to hiding the scars and the assumptions and associations that are made when they are revealed.

Sometimes, when I enter a room, it is like the scars speak before I can even say a word. Now, that does not mean that everyone negatively interprets these scars as "sick," "pathetic," or "dying." Others regard the scars in a positive light. To these individuals, they mean that I am a survivor and a cardiac warrior who has conquered a great many dire battles in my life, and, therefore, I have intriguing stories to tell. Still, others sometimes ignore them entirely.

However, it could be said that revealing one's scars relinquishes one's control of the narrative surrounding the story of your life. It opens a pandora's box of interpretations and potential vulnerabilities. It is this distinct vulnerability caused by the scars that most people who don't have heart disease do not have to deal with nor even consider. It is the physical reminder of the battle you have fought and, in most cases, will need to be aware of for the rest of your life.

But forewarning for those who reveal their scars: It could be a great story starter, backfire, or be completely ignored. The reaction is uncertain. That loss of control of the narrative is what makes the individual vulnerable and brave to do so.

Sometimes, a benefit of hiding out scars is that removing them as a factor entirely allows us to forget that we have cardiac health issues and can even feel almost normal until someone spots the scars and their behavior changes all of a sudden.

Considering this, however, I am not saying that people cannot or should not notice them. Nor am I saying that cardiac scars should ever be a source of shame. Quite the opposite. I am saying that the scars should be a source of pride, a mark of courage, and a badge of honor for those who have them. Should they choose to reveal them, however, they should also be aware of how these scars can be perceived.

There are many reasons why some cardiac survivors choose to intentionally hide their scars. Perhaps they are not comfortable. Perhaps they don't feel like it. Or, perhaps it is also the stigma which is attached to heart disease and the potential reaction they may experience from revealing the tell-tale signs that one has had one or more procedures of a cardiac nature, such as long chest scars from open heart surgery, pacemaker implant scars, and tube scars, just to name a few. This is due to the web of assumptions associated with heart disease, what it impacts, who it impacts, and the shame associated with those assumptions as if there were some clear correlation between our actions and how they inevitably led to the scars on our chests as if they were somehow deserved. This is, of course, unfair and even cruel.

I have two stories from my life that illustrate this difference in people's reactions to finding out about my heart condition involving my scars.

The first was when I lived in Shenzhen. China during the heat of summer in 2017. I was wandering outside my apartment complex by a Walmart, and I saw a woman who appeared very lost and asked if I could give her directions. She said she was helping her friend move into the city, and they were trying to find an apartment complex, which was the same one where I lived. So I pointed her in the right direction, and all of a sudden, someone yelled, "You have a scar like mine!" I spun around, and there was another woman who had another visible scar from open heart surgery.

We were close friends in China and still keep in touch to this day. That was the only time I have ever met someone else abroad who was open about having heart disease and someone who initially positively identified me by my scar.

The second, less positive instance occurred a few years ago. I had known this woman, whom I considered to be an acquaintance, for several months, but she never saw the scars on my chest, nor had I revealed my illness before that point. Only after recovering from my two cardiac procedures did I happen to run into her again. It was just like old times, and we were both eager to catch up and talk more later, but we both had a meeting to attend at that moment. She, with another friend, whom I had told about the surgeries, and I with someone else. So we agreed to eventually chat at some point in the future. An hour later, I saw her again. She approached my table while I was drinking a coffee with a suddenly sullen, near-mourning look in her eye. I immediately knew my friend had told her about my surgeries because she asked if I was alright and being very delicate and worried as if I had one foot in the grave. She stared at my scars, as it was the warmer months, and I was wearing a tank top. It was as if they were the pieces of a puzzle she was fitting together in her mind. I told her I had completely recovered and was back to my old self. However, she apparently didn't believe me. Ever since, she has treated me as if I were a leaf of a breeze, something flimsy and unreliable and therefore worthless despite all evidence to the contrary.

Just from that one simple interaction.

However, I find it best to understand two things when it comes to cardiac scars. The first is that people's reactions, for better or for worse, cannot be controlled, but they can serve as a means of hopefully building bridges through mutual understanding. Second, the scars are scars and likely will never go away. How you feel about them is all that matters, and it is brave to reveal them for better or for worse.

Cardiac scars are pale sigils of bravery, not shame. Wear them, whether or not you reveal them to others, with pride.